I was split in half by a professional Kung Fu Fighter

I always picture myself in a bar, talking to a complete stranger about everything that has gone on in my life when my world comes crashing down and I have to reflect on it all. I always picture this invidual as a girl whom is pretty, interested in me, and willing to listen to my bullshit. And she always is intriqued with my honesty and in love with the fact that I am willing to accept the things I have done, and have learned from them. Truth is, this would never happen if I told someone everything I've done, every relationship I've ever fucked up, everytime I've cheated on a girl and never told her, only to have her find out, and destroy her from the inside out. Truth is anyone who ever heard my story, would run away so fast they'd knock the fucking hinges off the door and change the weather patterns.

I'm a complete fuck up. Yes this is true; why you ask? Because I have had some of the best girls come into my life, knowing full well they were the most incredible minds/hearts to ever exist, and I took advantage of their love, I went behind their backs. I have no idea why because me intentions were to love this person more than they have ever been loved, and I made them feel that way, until they found out that I had done something and hid it from them. Usually, this was months and months later, and so that hurts even more.

I always picture myself somehow coming out of all of this as a better person, but truth be told, I haven't learned my lesson, until, I think, now. When you're 17 and 18 doing something like that and losing someone you love is like ok, fucked up, but there will be more, when you are 22 and you do this, it's like wow you fucking idiot are you really doing this bullshit again you think you've matured but you obviously haven't. I am Jack complete idiotic piece of shit dumbass "that guy" side, and I've come to throw myself in front of the train and protect my face with my arms in hopes that they can identify me somehow.

I am a huge piece of shit, as I was just told over a text message, and yes my friends, this is true. Why does my honesty flow out of my fingers onto a keyboard easier than it does to someone whom I love so much?

But how could I love someone so much but do something so un lovingly? Good queston. My answer would be I thought it better I never say anything about my human fuck up and hopefully it never surfaces and I can go on and stay with the one I love. Real answer: That's bullshit to everyone on the receiving end and it doesn't amount to much more than broken hearts, crying and a lot of hateful messages, looks, and a terrible black hole in your conscious that eats at you and tell you how much of a piece of shit you really are especially when you see them again doing so well with someone new. yup, Im not good at this at all. I should probably stop, im not a professional im an amateur running around pretending im a high roller at the palms fucking casino.

I suck at Poker.

So to the girl in the bar, whom will love me for my honesty, I'll see you soon.